My Remake of Much Ado About Nothing
by hockeylover
Summary: This is based on Shakespeare's "Much Ado About Nothing." I did it for a project. If you are like me, and Shakespeare is hard to understand, then read my remake. PG13 to be safe. WARNING: Character death.


Disclaimer: Me no own Shakespeare.  
  
My Remake of Much Ado About Nothing  
  
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Leonato was checking his email and clicked on a newly arrived message. "I learn in this email that Don Pedro is visiting from Arragon," said Leonato thinking about how to prepare for the arrival. Don Pedro was the franchise owner of the Messinian hockey team, and a fine acquaintance of Leonato.  
  
"What came today, uncle?" asked Beatrice sneaking up behind Leonato. She laid her arms on the back of the office chair and smiled.  
  
"Oh, dear! Beatrice, you almost gave me a heart attack," said the gray-bearded man. "Couldn't you learn to be a little more respective of my privacy?"  
  
"Sorry, uncle," she chuckled. Then she turned her attention to the computer screen. "Don Pedro, huh?"  
  
"Yes, my dear," he said.  
  
"This Benedick that is highly spoken of. Has he still been cruising around on the ice being the big shot that he is?" asked Beatrice snorting at the name Benedick.  
  
"He is a fine young hockey player," said Leonato.  
  
"So says everyone," she said rolling her eyes.  
  
"You never meet, so why is there such tension between you two?" he asked.  
  
"We haven't met for a long time, and hopefully will never again," said Beatrice quickly. "For, I never want to meet a man who is so high up in himself as to not regard a fellow human being as being equal to him. Everyone is lower in his presence, so he thinks."  
  
"I see, my niece, that this Benedick is certainly not in your books," laughed Leonato.  
  
"It's a good thing too. If he were in my books, I would have to burn my study. Who is his friend, by the way?" asked Beatrice.  
  
"The young Claudio," he replied.  
  
"God help the poor fellow," sighed Beatrice.  
  
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Beatrice looked out the window. "Here he is now. Don Pedro and his crew. Uncle! Don Pedro has arrived!" called Beatrice.  
  
"Good Leonato," said Don Pedro, "it is so good to see you!"  
  
"And you too. You always bring such joy to my household!" said Leonato shaking Don Pedro's hand.  
  
Beatrice spotted Benedick and rolled her eyes. "He looks very fine," she thought, "but I can't let that get in my way! He still is a man unworthy of any praise."  
  
Benedick than began to talk to Leonato. As he eyed Beatrice approaching he was distracted.  
  
"Go ahead," said Beatrice, "keep talking, but if I were you I wouldn't waste my time. No one listens to you anyway."  
  
"Oh, Miss Disdain!" he replied. "You are still living? I didn't notice you until now. But then, I guess no one does."  
  
"It's not possible that I would die yet. I still have plenty of a pleasant time ahead of me, Mister Benedick. I think I'll have a great time poking fun at you. You are too venerable," she said.  
  
"I don't know about you. All ladies love me; only you excepted. I don't love any in return, though," he replied.  
  
"A dear happiness to women! I thank God that no woman on this earth is stupid enough to fall for you. I would rather hear my dog bark at a cat than listen to a man swear that he loves me," she laughed.  
  
"Thank God for that. I'd hate to have a man suffer a scratched face," he said.  
  
"Scratching could not make it worse if it was a face like yours," she said.  
  
"Ok, let's break it up here. Let us all go peacefully and quietly into Leonato's house for dinner. He has invited all of us," said Don Pedro.  
  
Everyone slowly congregated into Leonato's house. All except Benedick and his friend Claudio.  
  
Claudio pulled aside his friend and whispered, "Did you see Leonato's daughter?"  
  
"Possibly. I saw her, but wasn't really impressed," replied Benedick.  
  
"Doesn't she look like a very nice young woman?" asked Claudio. "Wait a second. You weren't impressed?" Claudio scratched his head in amazement. He wondered how anyone could not like the young lady.  
  
"No. I wasn't impressed. She's too short and brown to be praised," said Benedick.  
  
Claudio laughed. "You're joking right? Tell me, what do you really think of her?"  
  
"Do I have to repeat myself?" asked Benedick. "I'll just say simply that I do not like her."  
  
Claudio looked shocked but stared into the sky looking love sick. "She's the most beautiful woman that I have ever seen."  
  
Benedick gasped. "You're not turning husband now, are you?"  
  
"I would like Hero to be my wife," said Claudio.  
  
Benedick pushed Claudio. "What are you thinking? Maybe I should hit some sense into you. I think that you've gone mad," cried Benedick.  
  
Don Pedro approached Claudio and Benedick. He was wondering what was taking them so long. He asked, "What secret are you talking about that you had to stay behind so long?"  
  
"Claudio has gone mad. He has fallen in love. With who? With who? Hero! Leonato's short daughter!" exclaimed Benedick. He hit Claudio again.  
  
Don Pedro shook his head. Even though he was the manager of the Messinian hockey team, he was also a good friend of Claudio. "Ok. Ok. You are in love with her?" asked Don Pedro.  
  
"Yes," said Claudio.  
  
"This is sickening. He's speaking like a love sick puppy!" exclaimed the disgusted Benedick.  
  
"If you truly love Hero, than maybe I can help you out," said Don Pedro. "I could talk to her tonight at the dance. I would woo her in your name."  
  
"Thank you!" said Claudio.  
  
"Sure. Just don't let girls get too much into the way of your career," said Don Pedro.  
  
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Leonato and his brother Antonio were talking to each other in Leonato's house. His brother seemed to be a cheerful sort of man.  
  
"I have heard from a friend of mine, that Don Pedro loves your daughter, and he's going to tell her this very night at the dance," said Antonio.  
  
"Are you sure of it?" asked Leonato wrinkling his eyebrows.  
  
"For sure, for sure. You can ask my friend yourself if you please," said Antonio.  
  
"This is all very cool that Hero will be possibly married. But," said Leonato, "isn't my friend Don Pedro a little bit too old for her?"  
  
"No, no," said Antonio.  
  
"Very well then. Maybe, I should tell her about this so that she isn't too unprepared." Leonato smiled. His very daughter to be married!  
  
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Don John was your typical no one can be happy type of person. Being Don Pedro's brother, he was also Don Pedro's opposite. Don John is outside of Leonato's household pacing back and forth with a look of demise across his face. Conrade, his companion and faithful follower approached him.  
  
"The year's quite nice. When then, are you sad?" asked Conrade.  
  
"My sadness is limitless. When men are happy, I must be sad," said Don John. Suddenly then, someone approached.  
  
"Yo! Borachio!" greeted Don John. "What news, my pal?"  
  
"I came to give you news of an intended marriage," answered Borachio.  
  
Don John grinned slyly and rubbed his hands together. "Is this news something I can make mischief out of?"  
  
"You're brother's friend is getting married," said Borachio.  
  
"Claudio?" asked Don John in shock.  
  
"Even he."  
  
"Interesting. Who is the lady?"  
  
"Hero, the daughter of Leonato. You brother is planning to woo her and then give her to Claudio."  
  
"If I can get him upset, I will be very happy. Will you both help me in this scheme of mine?" asked Don John.  
  
"Surely. It sounds like fun," said Conrade and Borachio in unison. Neither of them really cared of the feelings of others that would be hurt in the process. The grand plan was playing in the mind of its master.  
  
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Beatrice passes by Don John and sees a look of bitterness in his face. She rolls her eyes and looks for someone to talk to. She joins Hero, Leonato, and Antonio.  
  
"Doesn't Don John look like a tart old fellow?" she whispered while nudging Hero in the side.  
  
"I'd agree. He doesn't look like a very happy person," said Hero.  
  
"Maybe if he was halfway between himself and Benedick in terms of personality, he would be perfect," said Beatrice laughing. "The man certainly must not have a beard. I couldn't live with a bearded face! I wouldn't like to live with someone who's as wooly as a sheep."  
  
"What if a man has no beard?" asked Leonato of his niece.  
  
"I couldn't live with him. With no beard! He's almost like a woman then," said Beatrice.  
  
"Is there any pleasing you? You must know that there is not a perfect man out there. Although," said Hero blushing, "Claudio comes really close."  
  
"My dear cousin! There is only one solution for me: I will never get married. Ha! I'll die an old maid before I swear love to any man," laughed Beatrice.  
  
"I hope that I do live to see the day that you, niece, will be happily married," said Leonato. All Beatrice did was laugh. To her, being married was the farthest thing from her mind, and the most unlikely thing to happen to her.  
  
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Don Pedro approached Hero. "Want to take walk?" he asked her.  
  
"Why not?" she asked, and they walked off slowly away from the group.  
  
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Beatrice and Benedick walked around, neither of them feeling like dancing. They ran into each other accidentally.  
  
"My word! Benedick! Watch where you're going!" she exclaimed. "If I wasn't a lady, I might hit you right now."  
  
"A lady? Where?" asked Benedick with his hand up to his forehead. He scanned the surroundings searchingly. Then he stopped suddenly and jumped backward. "Surely, you are not referring to yourself?"  
  
"Oh, you think you hurt my feelings now, don't you? Well, I'm surely not hurt at all. At least I can refer to myself as a gender. You can't. Lord knows what you are," said Beatrice.  
  
"I'm something," insisted Benedick.  
  
"Surely the prince's jester in olden days, huh?" she asked.  
  
"Well, Beatrice. Is that the best you can come up with? A sad, sad lady if I do say so myself," said Benedick.  
  
"Well, I'd better go look for some decent company to talk to. Off with you!" exclaimed Beatrice. Then as quickly as they had started fighting, she left.  
  
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Claudio and Don Pedro began talking. "I have wooed Hero in your name!" exclaimed Don Pedro. "I talked with her father who said, 'why not.' Just name the day you want to get married!"  
  
"Tomorrow! I will wed her tomorrow!" exclaimed Claudio with a large grin spread across his face.  
  
"No! Not until Monday, my dear boy! For goodness sakes, hold on to your horses," exclaimed Leonato.  
  
Don Pedro said, "I just got an excellent idea! Why don't we do the unthinkable? The hardest task yet! We will get Benedick and Beatrice to fall in love! Will you help me?"  
  
They all nodded.  
  
"Then it shall be done," he said. "Benedick and Beatrice will fall in love! This should be great fun!"  
  
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"Hero's going to marry Claudio! Oh, they shall not be happy. I must think of a plan to foil their pleasure," said Don John with a sneer upon his face.  
  
"Eureka!" exclaimed Borachio. "I have an idea!"  
  
"Yes?"  
  
"Well, in case you don't know by now, I'm in love with Hero's friend Margaret."  
  
"And?"  
  
"I could ask her to look out Hero's window at a late time of night. Then, we could summon Claudio to come see. Margaret looks very much like Hero from behind. We could pull this off."  
  
"So you're saying that you'll talk to Margaret from Hero's window while I get Claudio to watch?"  
  
"Exactly."  
  
"Splendid! Then it shall be done."  
  
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Benedick walked through the garden talking to himself saying things such as, "How dare Claudio fall in love! I'm sure he has gone mad. My poor friend," and, "There's not a woman in the world perfect enough to please me."  
  
Don Pedro, Leonato, and Claudio entered into the orchard talking and joking. Benedick didn't want to be seen nor heard, so he ran behind a group of trees to hide. "I'll just wait 'till they leave," he thought. He sat down and made himself comfortable. While he did so, he thought that he might as well think about the upcoming hockey game.  
  
A singing was suddenly heard from the distance. It went like this:  
  
Sigh no more, ladies, sigh no more,  
Men were deceivers ever.  
Sigh not so, but let them go,  
And be you blithe and bonny,  
Converting all your sounds of woe,  
Into hey nonny nonny.  
  
Benedick slapped himself. He didn't even need to look to see who it was. "Balthasar," he sighed quietly. "He just doesn't get it! We don't sing like that anymore."  
  
Balthasar was a tall man with a full head of dark brown hair. His clothing choice was quite obnoxious for the present day. He wore silk stockings and short pants that were all fluffy and funny looking. His shoes were quite odd as well. They were black with funny little buckles on the top. He danced around lightly and merrily as if performing ballet.  
  
"Balthasar, my man!" exclaimed Don Pedro jumping up to greet the man. They gave each other a high-five. "What a – cool song!" exclaimed Don Pedro with hesitation.  
  
"Yes, yes. But an unfortunately ill singer, my lord," replied Balthasar.  
  
"True, true," agreed Leonato.  
  
Benedick chuckled to himself. "Thanks be to God! Finally someone tells him so!" thought Benedick. He did not like the man's singing at all.  
  
Balthasar looked down towards his feet. Then he left quickly in either humiliation, or he just had remembered an important job he had to do.  
  
After he left, Don Pedro nudged Leonato in the side. "Are you sure you don't want him to sing at Hero's wedding?" he asked.  
  
"Oh heavens, no!" exclaimed Leonato. "He would have driven my fair daughter mad if he were to sing on her special day."  
  
"Come, come. Let us walk then. You said something to me earlier about your niece being in love with Benedick?" asked Don Pedro.  
  
"Yes. She speaks of him sometimes. She's not at all very nice to him, but that's her way of showing affection," said Leonato.  
  
Claudio laughed. "Beatrice! Love a man! Impossible."  
  
"It is true," insisted Leonato with a wink, "that she loves him very much. I myself found it very surprising. But it is true."  
  
"What effects of passion does she show?" asked Don Pedro.  
  
Leonato whispers in his ear and Don Pedro exclaims, "You amaze me! When is she going to tell him?"  
  
"There, my lad, lies the very problem. She swears she never will vow her love to him," answered Leonato. "I know that it is all hard to believe, but true. Hero has watched her with her own eyes, write a letter of love to him. She just can't figure out what to say!"  
  
"It's a good thing Benedick doesn't hear of it though. He would tease her for the rest of her days," said Claudio. "It's a shame. They'd make a cute couple."  
  
The three walked away from where Benedick was "hiding." They chuckled among themselves and patted each other on the back. Then they thought, "Let's have Beatrice come and call him to dinner!"  
  
Beatrice came alright, but not in a very good mood. "Why have they asked me to go get him?" she thought angrily.  
  
"Benedick, dinner is ready. If you want to eat go ahead, but if you're tardy then that's fine by me. I'll give you the scraps from the dog," she said quickly and with much anger in her voice. Then she left as quickly as she had come.  
  
"Ah!" exclaimed Benedick. "I'll give you the scraps from the dog." He rubbed his chin in thought. "There's a double meaning in that!"  
  
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Meanwhile, back at the ranch, Hero was planning a scheme of her own: to get Beatrice think that Benedick is in love with her. She grabs her two friends, Ursula and Margaret to help her. They spot Beatrice alone in the orchard picking flowers and humming, when they decide that the time is right. While upon seeing the three enter the orchard, Beatrice walks behind several bushes to try to listen to what they're talking about.  
  
"So it is true?" asked Ursula. "Benedick is in love with Beatrice?"  
  
"Sure enough. I heard it spoken among Don Pedro and Claudio," explained Hero.  
  
Margaret laughed. "I thought that there was not a woman perfect enough on the world for his liking!"  
  
"Well," said Hero, "I guess that has changed. He is very much in love with my dear cousin. I'm happy for her. Now, if they'd just be nice to each other and sort out their feelings, instead of bickering all the time, then all would be well."  
  
The three giggling women left the orchard, and Beatrice was left alone. She picked one final daisy from the ground. She slowly began picking petals from the flower, while reciting, "He loves me, he loves me not." When she got to the last petal, she exclaimed, "He loves me!" Then she twirled around until she got dizzy. "Benedick," she sighed, "love on! Love on."  
  
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Claudio and Leonato passed by the room where Benedick was staying in. They were stopped abruptly by his change in appearance.  
  
"What have you done?" they both asked in unison.  
  
"Are you sad?" asked Claudio.  
  
"Your beard. It's gone!" exclaimed Leonato.  
  
Then Claudio looked frantic. "What have you done? What have you done?" he asked. He paced back and forth nervously, and then came and took a closer look at his friend. "Are you crazy?"  
  
"You don't like it?" asked Benedick feeling his newly shaven face.  
  
"You have gone mad," said Claudio. Then he pushed Benedick. "Now we're going to lose because of you. You know it's playoff season! You don't shave your beard now. What were you thinking?"  
  
"Come, Leonato. I have something to tell you that I don't want anti- shaving freaks to hear," said Benedick walking away.  
  
"There's a bad change in him," thought Claudio, "I think he thinks he'll win Beatrice with his beardless face."  
  
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Don John snickered to himself. Ha, he wasn't good enough for his brother's team! He shall get his revenge by spreading rumors about his friend's fiancée.  
  
"Claudio, Don Pedro," whispered Don John, "I have some news to tell."  
  
"What, brother?" asked Don Pedro.  
  
"I hate to say it, Claudio my man, but some women just do it to you," said Don John.  
  
"Do what?" asked Claudio.  
  
"You haven't heard nor seen? Hero, is disloyal," said Don John.  
  
"You have seen her?" asked Claudio.  
  
"Yes, I have," insisted Don John.  
  
"How can this be? She looks so innocent!" exclaimed Don Pedro.  
  
"Yes, but she isn't," said Don John.  
  
"If what you say is true, then I should embarrass her at the altar," said Claudio quickly. "She must not get away with anything, that dirty little devil! Who's with me?"  
  
"Aye," said Don John.  
  
"Don Pedro, my friend?" asked Claudio.  
  
"I'm sorry, boys, but you're in on this one by yourself. I believe she is innocent until I see her with my own eyes with someone else. Even then, I cannot believe her guilty. I'd advice you two not to do anything stupid that you'll regret later on," said Don Pedro. Then he walked off.  
  
"Whatever," said Claudio.  
  
"Come, let us walk around outside," said Don John.  
  
Night had fallen, and the stars were shining bright. The two walked around for a spell until some noises were heard from afar. Then they stopped dead in their tracks. "It is true!" whispered Claudio to Don John. "She is not the innocent woman I once thought she was, but instead a wretched creature."  
  
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"Come you to marry this man?" asked the Friar of Hero. The day had come: Hero and Claudio's wedding. Hero's head was adorned with a crown of roses, and her smile was as bright as the sun.  
  
"I do," replied Hero.  
  
"Come you to marry this woman?" asked the Friar of Claudio.  
  
"Certainly not!" exclaimed Claudio. He gave Hero a push, and she flew backwards and fainted.  
  
"What did you say?" asked the Friar.  
  
"You heard me. This woman has not been faithful," replied Claudio.  
  
In an instant Hero arouse from her faintness. "What did you say about me?" she asked.  
  
"Ah, go ahead! Pretend that you don't know anything!" said Claudio angrily.  
  
"But I don't," said Hero confusedly.  
  
"That is your problem! But a fine excuse. You never learned not to go sneaking around behind your fiancé? What is this man that I saw with you last night?" he asked.  
  
"Man? A man? I know not. I wasn't with any man last night, my love. I promise you," she said.  
  
"What did I see than? A mirage? A ghost? Or was I mad?" asked Claudio. His face was reddened and he was jumping up and down.  
  
Hero was struck with fear in Claudio's sudden change. "A man?" she asked while trembling. "I only have eyes for you."  
  
"You lie!" screeched Claudio. He went to hit Hero again, but his hand was stopped by Don Pedro.  
  
"You hit this innocent lady again, and your career is over," threatened Don Pedro.  
  
Claudio looked back and forth between the terrified face of Hero, and the serious face of Don Pedro. Then, boiling over the top with anger, Claudio screamed at the tops of his lungs and fell to the ground.  
  
Leonato stooped down and looked at the crazy man. "He is dead. I couldn't feel a pulse," said Leonato with a sigh of relief.  
  
"Good heavens, he must have suffered from a heart-attack or something like that," said Beatrice.  
  
Don Pedro took hold of the trembling Hero and pressed her head against his heart. She wept long and hard. "What happened?" she asked.  
  
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"We found him," said Leonato to Don Pedro. He had Don John firmly by the neck. "Where do you want him?"  
  
Don John chuckled. "It was just a little joke! Very funny, right?"  
  
"Off to prison you go!" exclaimed an officer.  
  
"There will be a hanging for you in a day or two," said Leonato.  
  
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When everyone returned together, Hero ran up to Don Pedro and gave him a warm embrace. "My hero!" she exclaimed.  
  
Don Pedro vowed his love to the lady, and they became engaged.  
  
Beatrice looked shyly at Benedick. "Hi," she said. Then they both looked in each other's eyes. Benedick proposed to Beatrice and she accepted.  
  
"My! What an unlikely pair," said Leonato to Don Pedro. They both laughed. "With a little bit of help from us."  
  
"And us," said Margaret, Ursula, and Hero.  
  
"What are they talking about?" asked Benedick.  
  
Beatrice shrugged. "I don't know. But who cares?"  
  
"Not me," said Benedick.  
  
They both laughed, unaware that they had some assistance from Cupid's helpers.  
  
"By the way," said Beatrice looking at Benedick's face, "you look better with the beard!"  
  
THE END  
  
A/N: Ok, so here is the whole thing. I hope that someone did read this. If not, I'm very sad. But if you just finished reading, and loved it, let me know. If you didn't, and have a suggestion to make my writing better, let me know. Just drop me a line please! Instead of putting separate acts and scenes, I decided just to do it in one big chapter. Have a cool day. 


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